An open letter

I wanted to write something sensible at some stage about Christian Zionism, but, well, I’m just too tired tonight. So I thought I’d draft something that requires a little less energy.

An open letter to Mr Yisrayl Hawkins (the chap who mislead an entire church into believing [and into preparing for] – because ‘the bible says it’ – that a nuclear holocaust would happen on 12.09.2006):

Dear Mr Hawkins,

Crikey, eh? Bodged that prophecy thing up good and proper, huh? I suppose everyone the world over who heard your testicularvomitations is going to be taking the piss out of you tonight, and so instead I thought I would, well, ... OK, I’ll take the piss too.

No, that would be mean. Instead I thought I’d offer a few suggestions for things to put on your webpage tomorrow. That’s if you’re not still in your nuclear bomb bunkers convinced the holocaust is happening above your heads. But if you do happen to have an internet connection down there, then I would advise you to keep the bunker locked as probably half of your nation is gathered above, as you read this, urinating on it. They would be sort of putting their ‘piss taking’ into a kind of positive expression of ‘piss giving’ I suppose.

I guess it all depends on when one understands ‘the day’ to finish, whether it is middle-east time, or American, or even if one takes the day to begin in the evening as many in the ancient near East did. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt on that one and assume the chaos begins a bit later, but if, heaven forbid, it doesn’t ...

Well, picture it. People are logging on tomorrow onto your webpage in search of reason as to why such an exegete as yourself perhaps understood things slightly, err, imperfectly. I suggest you try one of the following headings for yisraylhawkins.com tomorrow:

Personally I recommend you go for the most well-worn of all:

‘With the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like one day. The Lord is not slow about his promise’ (2 Peter 3:8-9) – and be sure to add the ‘2 Pet’ bit as that will surely convince some.

Or you could try this one, even though I think it comes across as perhaps slightly begging the question. Nay, it comes across as desperate. Still, some people it seems believed you before, so I’m sure some will buy this:

All your clocks everywhere are wrong. It’s still September the 12th, 2006

If we assume honesty is not the best choice (i.e. ‘I got it wrong, please forgive me for messing with the lives of perhaps hundreds of people in ways that I may not be able to mend, and for dragging the name of God into something bloody silly’), then you could always change tack entirely:

I can’t believe you all fell for that!

Admittedly this last option won’t make you any friends, and you could be doing with them for a while.

Finally, perhaps you could try pulling a theological rabbit out of your sleeves. Best option, I would think, is to quickly and enthusiastically embrace what some call ‘open theology’:

Open Theism is proven. Pinnock is not a pillock. God just happened to change his mind, folks.

If all this was a deliberate scam to get hits on your webpage, then respect for the creativity. In the more likely case that you’re just plain and simple bonkers, then get yourself along to a local minister and get confessing. God loves us sinners, so you will be in good company and will end up with a bright hope.

All the very best,

Chris