Your basic evangelical (version 1.0a): "Lord, we just pray that you would just, Lord, just be with them"
- Soft charismatic extension pack (1.1a): "Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkarleevangol mahashrolsohomka bananananananananananananan. Lord, we just pray that you would, Lord, just be with them"
- Hardcore charismatic package (1.1b) "Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkarleevangol mahashrolsohomka banananannananan Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkgol mahashrolsohomka banandhduiujsinksnann Kiwimaschulhvangol mahashrolsohomka. Lord, Kiwimaschulhuamuschkarleevangol mahashrolsohomka bananananananananananananan, we just pray that you, Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkarleevangol Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkarleevangol mahashrolsohomka bananananananananananananan, would, Lord, just be with them. Kiwimaschulhumbaba muschkarleevangol mahashrolsohomka"
- Pentecostal upgrade: "Lord, *insert dance* we just pray that you *insert jig* would, Lord, just be with them. AMEN and AMEN to JEEEEEESSSSSSSUUUUUSSSSSSS. Yeeeeaeaaaaaaaaaa woooooooooo *congregation explodes in a fit of enthusiasm"
- Emergent: *Lights a candle* *mutters something about the return from exile and the mystery of God* *blows out candle* *rises and continues in unashamed compromise against the Gospel according to John MacArthur*
- Conservative evangelical: *prays for a long time all about scriptural inerrancy, absolute certainty and penal substitution* "oh yes, and we just pray that you would, Lord, just be with them"
- Faith-Word: "We just ask you be with them based on Matt 28:20, and we just proclaim this is reality now, we just speak this into reality by faith" (can also be mixed rather effectively with the Pentecostal upgrade).
OK, I'll stop now before I insult the whole planet, but readers of Chrisendom surely now realise that much of what I write is to be taken in jest. I would add, however, that I make these caricatures as an evangelical who, with a conservative evangelical operating system, has at one time or another downloaded and installed a charismatic/Pentecostal, faith-word and emergent patch – despite the numerous incompatibility problems that ensued.
30 comments:
What a coincidence; I go to John MacArthur's church in Los Angeles. Never thought he'd get a name drop.
I can testify to the fact that the spiritual stock of the word "just" has risen in certain Catholic circles too.
To celebrate the dawning of praise and worship in Catholic liturgy I've actually re-worked Steve Miller's "The Joker" to fit "Lord, I Lift Your Name On High". It's pretty much the same chord progression--try it out. The guitar riff and even the guitar-wolf whistle work great.
There's a spoken verse which goes, "We just worship you just because of your just justness and just ask that your justice be just known justly throughout the earth."
There are a few word plays on "high" as well--use your imagination.
ROFL ... Rolling on the Floor Laughing.
I needed this before I sleep tonight
brilliant...
perhaps you could also add
"that we just ask, lord, that you would just anoint us Lord"
or my personal favorite, the always perplexing invocation:
"Father Jesus, we just ask that you..."
So how would you pray it today?
One thing that bugs me is patrapassionist prayers where the Father is thanked for dying on the cross. I feel like saying, "Don't you realise that you just prayed heresy?"
And what about "Lord, we really want to pray for..." prayers?
for charos/pentes etc you forgot the "right now"
We just ask for your anointing right now. Heal him right now. it's now or never remember.
:-)
I also just posted a comment to your JW thread right now.
js
I'm often impressed by (1) the stylish olde-world charm of citing scriptures in forms that only existed in the KJV, (2) the casual conversion of such scriptures into claimable promises, and (3) the striking Elijah-like boldness of prayer-as-lay-preaching. (What true Christian would be so crude as to interrupt a prayer meeting to correct you?)
"Lord, we know your word says, Lord, that where there is no vision the people perish. So we just pray, right now, Lord, that you would release your Holy Spirit to give us vision Lord, and teach us that your word is truth, and help us, Lord, to all agree together as one, even as you are one, that limited atonement applies to women but not to men, so that more people may know you, Father, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. Amen, Father, AMEN, for this is your will..."
It gets even better in election years.
Just amen.
Simply superb
The Conservative Evangelical also comes with the Reminder(TM) Package.
"Dear God, as you said in your most Holy Word....and you also said elsewhere....and as you promised Abraham....for you are Holy, God, and you are Just and Righteous and Merciful, Lord. You are also omnipotent." etc etc
I'm always irritated by people who try to remind God what exactly He said or did in the middle of a prayer (or anywhere else, for that matter).
Also, on a side note, I've been working as an EMT for some time. The town where I worked had some extremely religious people who would say "Oh, Lord, Lord, Lord...LORD...Lord lord lord" while in the back of the ambulance. We coined the term "Tachylordia" (a play on Tachycardia, when the heart beats too rapidly). "Yep, Ms. Smith is going into Tachylordia again." "Oh, LORD LORD LOOOORD Lord lord lord."
And yea, it shall be so, even as thou hast spoken and the words of thy mouth shall proclaim it and it shall be said amongst the nations even so as I have spoken unto thee for indeed it shall surely come to pass and my words that go forth unto the world shall be like unto a message that thou shalt surely hear, even so, amen and amen!! And lest thou shouldst think unto thyself that these things shall not surely come to pass, beware, my child, beware: for this is the word that hast been given unto thee on this day, forasmuch as the words of my mouth shall be unto thee either a blessing or a curse, yea, who art thou, child, to think that thou canst mock my just words? Take heed and hear and be ye warned that the day shall come to pass when these things that I have spoken unto thee shall also come to pass, and where wilt thou be then, o mocker? Yea indeed just so and amen!
When I was in seminary (mumble years ago), I had a professor who said he could tell where on the ultra-fundamentalist to ultra-liberal scale a student was by how many syllables were used to pronounce the name "Jesus." Later, he added, "How many times the word "just" is used in prayer is a good clue, too."
Oh, and while I am a thoroughgoing theopaschite, I think that this is different from the ancient heresy of patripassionism. So, I am going to agree with Guy (Exiled Preacher). (Don't faint, Guy. Was that glossalalia or a Welsh curse word I just heard all the way across the ocean?) If we take the New Testament as our guide, prayer should be directed to the Father (leaving aside arguments about gender language for now), in the name of the Son, and by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Of course, lest anyone get too proud, we need to remember that Christians from more liturgical traditions, more liberal theologies, etc. also have our funny features that could be caricatured. (A Mennonite friend told this joke, "How do you know you are in a Mennonite prayer meeting? There will be at least 3 prayers for peace and one for a sick cow.)
My jaw is in a rictus from so much laughing, not only from the my-prayer-pal-God post but from the comments - Phil's is a real howler. But careful - in the UK campus Chritsian Unions are getting very litigious, so you may find yourself receiveing a holy writ for glosso-libel.
One of my favourites: "Lord, I guess you've heard about ..."
Ah yes, the prayer of the just :) One of my favorites.
About 20+ years ago Christianity Today ran a top 10 bad prayer habits. I wish I still had a copy, but the prayer of the just was one of them.
James
I think it was the most recent issue of Leadership magazine (i think) that ran an article all about praying to "Father Weejus" (Father Weejus want to thank you, Father Weejus need your healing touch etc.). My favorite prayer request is the the Lord would undertake for someone (we never say WHAT God will undertake, just THAT God will undertake), and a close second is when we pray God would join us. like "Lord, be with us tonight as we drive." I can just hear the spirit going "Where do you think i am? I'M RIGHT HERE!!!"
But hey, that's just me :)
I am enjoying these comments!
Good one! Still laughing...
This is great stuff. I will be writing about this myself some more - I have in the past but this has stirred me up and gotten me laughing so hard I am wiping away the tears.
Get this - after 30 years in the Church world - as an intutitive person I can tell which faith group a person is from by their use of lingo in prayer within 30 seconds or less - often 10 seconds. Within my own group (will remain nameless) there are sub-groups... I can tell which sub-group they hail from - not just parts of the country, but which "brand" of our group they are from. It's really not that difficult.
One of the other points not made yet is the constant need to point out just who ("Who") the one praying is speaking to... "God we thank you God that we are in your presence God because you, God, are with us, God, and are are a good God, God..." It's some sort of theological tick with the manifestation of prayer. That makes it pretty clear the one praying is hyping themselves up to believe they are not alone in this conversation after all - that they are not simply speaking into the air...
I have yet to meet a person who talks to their parents with, "Mom, you are my Mom right? I'm grateful you are my Mom, Mom and because you are my Mom I will call you Mom. So Mom..." If your child spoke to you for even a few minutes you would say, "There there Little Bobby, let's take a little drive down to Dr. Brown's office - he has some pills that will make you feel better quickly - it's called Thorazine... We'll pick you up on Monday and you'll feel all better, sweety pie!"
I'm still waiting on the interpretation from the tongues you spoke Chris.
;-)
I suggest that you all deal with the "pole" in your own eye.
*Pokes tongue out at Anonymous*
I know what you mean, Steve!
And Frank, the tongue is a word of judgment against the Vineyard, I think...
As a cradle Catholic now boggled by the panoply of evangelicalia(?), I'd like to point out how to tell a "high churcher" (including Episcopalians, Lutherans, various Orthodox rites, and Presbyterians with pretentions), "Almighty God and Father, we [fill in the verb forms -- come before, ask you, pray that. . .]. Actually, it's quite a stirring syntax!
Martha
I thought I was the only one attempting to install all those patches. You gotta have a LOT of RAM to run them all successfully :)
Yes! The liberal patch caused a system failure, so I returned to a point before I installed it, but things have never been the same...
Undergoing therapy from the "just" phase of my prayer and church life, thank you. For the moment, I have enrolled myself in the nearest shack that has liturgical prayer and a more generous vocabulary.
Hi Don,
I'm with you on enjoying the benefits of robust and tried-and-tested liturgy.
Interpretation of your post indicates that you are not spending enough time in the anglo catholic corner of the bar and we'd be happy to enlighten you with some gin and liturgy
If the gin is on you, see you there tomorrow!
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