When asked ...

about whether certain historical events in the life of Jesus actually happened ...

Bultmann: 'We can't possibly know whether that bit happened or not, and the other bit?!!?! Of course it didn't really happen you twit! Light-bulbs etc. It really means something else, as you see when you demythologise it, and then discover the Christ-event addressing you'

Wright: 'Well yes it did happen, but it didn't mean what you think it meant. Rather, you have to see it in terms of the controlling story of the exile and restoration'

Borg: '1) Resistance is futile. 2) whether it happened or not is unimportant. What is important is the spiritual context in which you live and how this tradition nourishes you.'

Westerholm: 'What did Luther say about it? That's what happened'

Brian McLaren: 'Postmodernism. Not modernity. It's a conversation. Let me light a candle and give you and your environment a hug!'

Benedikt XVI: 'Ich verstehe Sie nicht. Sprechen Sie Latein?'

Bauckham: 'Eyewitnesses saw it. Even if their eyewitness memory is fallible, it is the theologically as well as historically appropriate witness to those events and their significance'

Greg Boyd: 'Well, it was the devil that done it, but Jesus defeated it in cosmic battle'

Jesus seminar: 'black, grey, pink'

Crossan: 'It might of happened in a peasant, cynic sort of way'

Perriman: 'I think it may have happened. But it was part of an eschatological drama that is not ours'

Crossley: 'Something happened: In a socially-scientific explainable sort of way'

Esler: 'Honour shame. Patronage. Limited good'

Dan Wallace: 'avmh.n le,gw u`mi/n'

Peter Enns: 'What the text says is entirely true as Christ is divine, and is entirely a human account in a "Word became flesh" type of way'

Carson: 'YES'

Hurtado: 'Yes, it happened. Then they worshiped Christ'

Gathercole: 'Dito'

Bauckham: '... and they included him in the divine identity'

Dawkins: 'OF COURSE NOT IDIOTS. Flying spaghetti plate, Zeus atheist, hell is an evil doctrine, child abuse etc.'

Francis Watson: 'It happened as a scriptural argument. It was a specific hermeneutical argument in dialogue with the scriptures and other interpretative traditions'

Miroslav Volf: 'Let me give you an embracing hug'

Benny Hinn: *Screams "TOUCH!" into a microphone* I fall over.

Ehrman: 'The truth got lost in the scribal tradition and in all of the many variations'

Martyn: 'It happened, but not like you think: It happened in a world invading apocalyptic kind of way'

Bird: 'Yes, with a restored Israel around Christ it was an anticipation of God's salvation as it would then reach the rest of the (Gentile) world'

Dan Brown: 'It didn't happen like that. That is part of a global conspiracy to keep you in ignorance. Davinci left hints'

Gorman: 'In a participatory, cruciform, anti-empire, non violent type of way, it happened'.

Michael Jackson: '*grabs groin and moonwalks. Grunts EH!*'

Bockmuehl: 'What is its Wirkungsgeschichte?'

Jim West: *Quickly puts on a T-Shirt with "I'm a card carrying minimalist" written on it* 'NO! And what is more, if you insist it did and think you can prove it, that is nothing but unbelief!'

Chris Tilling: 'For any of the named above who happen to read my blog from time to time, apologies for my insolence. The devil made me do it'

UPDATE:

Hordes of systematic theologians: "We will give the whole question a half-hearted nod, then pretend it doesn't really matter and carry on talking about abstractions like zim zum and such like"

Barth: Cheerfully adds "Welcome to the strange new world of the Bible!"

Witherington: Writes a book about it in 3 days.

and McLaren: Endorses it.

The Welsh: Speak in a funny language about it.

Wright (again): 'I forgot to add: Jesus is Lord, and Caesar isn't. As this dovetails nicely, in a pincer movement, with precisely the point Bird made in the comments.'